"Lal Baba you're like ocean. Going up and down". This Sri Munirajji said one day to me.

This morning standing in front of the mirror and thinking "this is not me, this is only the body, a huge feeling of sadness overcame me.

And these are the days here in Chilianaula. Up and down. Sometimes you feel so much Munirajji and get crazy for the upcoming happiness, sometimes you fall in deep sadness, because "all is over".

Over and will never come back. You pass the terass of Sri Munirajji, Bhola, the dog ist still there, but the chair, His chair is empty. You go to the temple and the place where He always sit will be empty forever. There will be never an Aarti again with the wise Guruji sitting there and calling you on the Om Om Telephone line.

Many many hours I was sitting there, Guruji on His Asana and the "realization of everything" was the show during your voice was praising God.

Anandpuri was and is my Ashram, here I met His Greatness, here we had many many Leelas and  wonderful times. Sitting with Him together during His illness, sitting all day. Guruji on the chair only sitting and from time to time some noise and He surrendered to the moment.

Here I was busy to serve Him, cooking His favourite breakfast snack Seitan or Pasta. Guruji likes food much and it was always a theme to speak about. He likes the fresh made things, not the things from the packet or however we keep our things fresh or eatable. He enjoyed the "haldwani Thali", which was Dalia (salty porridge), Curd, and somethng special like Sabhji (vegetables) or Pasta or Seitan, special Chapatis were His favourite, made from flour of Channa, He got His tablets before and after the breakfast and Jelebie was the dessert, the sweet which "is good for the liver" ...

Remebering all these things the down is coming "up" again and feeling Him and His presence the high comes up. Up and down this is the momentary situation in my life. But it goes on ... this life.